Raising My Daughter in the Church
My daughter just turned two. She has irrevocably changed our family. Like most parents, we want nothing but the best for our children, but we have some concerns about raising our daughter in the Church.
I have been told that questions are good; there is nothing wrong with asking sincere, heartfelt questions. So I have some I’d like to address. They are as follows:
1. Heavenly Mother
Where is She? Why don’t we know anything about Her? Why don’t we talk about Her? I don’t believe that the motive to “protect Her” is sufficient. Our Father is a product of His glory, so shouldn’t that be the same of our Mother? Her absence makes it difficult for women to have an eventual destination to aspire to. If we are to become Gods and Goddesses through deification, men have a very clear example of what they will become. Women do not. Her presence in gospel rhetoric would give women a better trajectory. Some say that women will become Gods too and should just follow the example of our Father. If that’s the case, why are the practices and policies in our churches and temples different for men and women? If women are to follow the example of a male deity, shouldn’t we be given the same tools as men, i.e. the Priesthood? The Church puts a very strong emphasis on gender and I don’t think that will dissipate when we die or become Gods. If we are to keep our gender, it would be beneficial to have a prominent Heavenly Mother that women can relate to. Why is She absent when Her role as Spirit Mother is essential to all life?
Might I suggest including our Heavenly Mother in lesson manuals, rhetoric, art, music, and dialogue. Even the lyrics of our Primary song could easily be adapted from “Heavenly Father” to “Heavenly Parents” or “He” to “They”. For example, “I am a child of God, and They have sent me here…Teach me all that I must do to live with Them some day.” This could introduce children to a collective, unified mind set of the female being an equitable part of their parentage. Might I suggest more depictions of Her in gospel artwork so from an early age people can have a visual representation of Her divinity? I think it would be appropriate to broaden our understanding of God as more than a singular male figure. As Erastus Snow (LDS Apostle, 1849-1888) avowed: “If I believe anything God has ever said about himself…I must believe that deity consists of man and woman.” (Historical Teaching About Mother in Heaven, 79)
2. Women in the Scriptures
Where are women in the scriptures? Raising children? Cooking? Cleaning? Scriptures are a male dominated text and I would love to hear more stories of women. What were their lives like? How can I learn from their examples and be more like them? If child-rearing, cooking, cleaning, and caretaking (historically women’s responsibilities) are as equally important as the tasks of prophesying, providing, and protecting (historically men’s duties), why are they not mentioned equitably in the scriptures? How are women supposed to relate to the scriptures when they are so neglected in our ancient texts? What is my daughter supposed to learn about her divine role when it is underrepresented in scripture? That she is a supportive character in stories where men are protagonists? How is she expected to continue to emerse herself in literature that is written in the male superlative? Or are her duties simply not worth mentioning or appreciated equitably?
Might I suggest putting more emphasis on the few female characters written in the scriptures? There are some lovely women in the Bible that are sorely underrepresented. It could also be valuable to not put so much emphasis on gender when discussing scriptural archetypes. If women were granted the same tools as men it would be far easier for them to relate the scriptures to their lives. Without the Priesthood, many women encounter great difficulty infusing themselves in a male dominated text.
3. Pornography and Sex
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.”
Why would Elder Oaks make this comment to vulnerable teenage girls who are already struggling with their self-worth and body image? For the sake of helping boys control their sexual impulses? Why are we not more concerned about how this affects the youth’s sexual identity and self-esteem?
It is extremely damaging for young women to hear these things, because they can begin to think, “Pornography is bad. Pornography is sexually attractive. My body is sexually attractive. My body is pornography. Therefore my body is bad.” Men and women are often sexually attracted to each other for the procreation of our species. Why is sexuality demonized when it is an essential and beautiful part of our human experience?
Please don’t mistake this as me advocating pornography. I don’t like pornography and it contributes to body shaming. But the emphasis placed on shaming the youth into a behavioral change is damaging our children. How am I supposed to teach my daughter to love her body and sexuality when her religion is sending her mixed and often negative messages concerning the female form?
Might I suggest a more rational approach to pornography that is not emphasized from a male perspective? Pornography is damaging to all genders so it seems fitting to address them equitably. I think it’s important for individuals to forge a positive sexual identity with themselves before they learn to control themselves—not the reverse. Might I suggest explaining the harmful biological and psychological effects to constant exposure to pornography so we can put less emphasis on attaining perfectionism or covering up women’s bodies? I believe this could help the youth learn how to better govern themselves into adulthood without so much fear, guilt, and shame. This could also help with overall sexual satisfaction in their future relationships.
Too often I hear “girls should dress modestly so boys don’t have bad thoughts”. People need to govern their own bodies and thoughts and girls should not be held responsible for others’ actions and thoughts—even implicitly. Another common approach is “modest is the hottest”, which is even worse. Again, this implies that women should be dressing for sexual appeal—dressing attractively, but not too sexy. Shouldn’t women be dressing for themselves and not for others? I understand this is cultural, however, how am I supposed to send my daughter into Young Women when this is what she’s hearing about her clothing, body, and gender? Why does there seem to be so much fear surrounding women’s bodies?
Might I suggest physical modesty being taught as an aesthetic that should exemplify a discipleship of Christ with a motive and love and respect for one’s self? It could also be effective to broaden our understanding of modesty to include humility in regards to our actions, manners, and aesthetics, not simply hemlines and clothing that needs to be micromanaged by authority figures.
I can’t even begin to address the complex and sometimes horrible nature of polygamy. I thought I had made amends with the practice, but when the Church released the latest Polygamy essays it rekindled my past negative feelings when it tried to defend the questionable actions of Joseph Smith. Why must the Church continue to subdue the voices of the wives of Joseph Smith? Did they not give up their lives for the Church too? Did their work not matter? If a women’s work of child-rearing and housekeeping is so important than why not acknowledge their history as wives of the Prophet? These women gave up more to the Church than I could possibly imagine. Why aren’t they mentioned in our correlated lesson manuals? They also righteously exercised the Priesthood in capacities (ie healing blessings, maternal blessings) that are refused to women today, why? Why is the policy different now? I know I would have greatly benefitted from hearing their personal narratives. Must we really ignore the women’s stories because Joseph Smith was less than honest with Emma? My heart aches for these women who lived and died for their religion then got brushed aside because of the controversial nature of their marriages. Some of these women were amazing feminists working to secure the vote with the support of their husbands. Shouldn’t my daughter hear their stories, too?
Might I suggest including their authentic narratives in our lesson manuals so we can all be educated and inspired by their stories? All genders could benefit from researching and contextualizing the practice of polygamy in relation to Church history. There’s no need to fear the consequences of admitting Joseph Smith was an imperfect human being—all of us are. Being imperfect doesn’t mean he’s not a prophet. It means he’s human. There’s no need to create an illusion of perfectionism when our humanity is as equally compelling and beautiful.
6. Inequitable Sealing Practices
Men may be sealed to multiple women. Women can only be sealed to one while living. Why is this policy still in place? This sends a strong and haunting message to women and I’m not sure how I am supposed to explain this to my daughter. This sends a strong message to women concerning the afterlife. Why would Joseph sanction polyandry and polygyny, but then the Church has seen fit to take polyandry away from women?
Might I suggest a simple change in policy that could allow all loving, committed couples to be sealed in the temple?
7. Disciplinary Councils
Why aren’t women a part of the council? When disciplining a woman, especially for sexual sins, shouldn’t there be another woman in the room who could offer a valuable perspective on the situation? Even if a man is counseled for adultery, the court will interview/question his wife. Shouldn’t a female authority figure be present to share a diverse perspective and be a part of the decision process? Wouldn’t her insight be valuable? Also, when discussing sexual sins with teenage girls isn’t it strange that she is discussing it with her bishop, an older man?
Might I suggest having a Relief Society President included in disciplinary councils? It could also be helpful to have the Young Women President be granted permission to discuss sexual matters with the young women and only notify the Bishop when necessary. Or if women were granted the Priesthood, women could naturally be incorporated into the process.
8. Family Proclamation and Gender Roles
Why does The Family: A Proclamation to the World so beautifully state, “…fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” but contradicts itself when also stating, “by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families”? How is presiding over her equitable? What is this saying to my daughter?
Why is the Church so focused on putting men and women into predetermined gender roles? Are we not capable of governing our families ourselves? Isn’t the purpose to unite families, not put them into restrictive silos? How am I supposed to tell my daughter to follow her dreams and reach for the stars, but then put limitations on her capabilities? Can’t she choose to be a scientist, doctor, firefighter, dancer, baker, mother, artist, or any combination of occupations? Why isn’t there a stronger emphasis on the role of fatherhood? Shouldn’t men be held to the same parental expectations as women?
Might I suggest supporting families regardless of their structure? Family dynamics are unique, just as every person is. Instead of promoting a correlated family structure, why not take a universalist approach to supporting all families in their endeavors to create a loving and caring environment regardless of their structure, governances, or dynamics?
How do I teach my daughter to be respectful of other races when their presence in leadership positions is so limited? Diversity is an effective and beautiful way we can learn and grow from each other. As a white woman, I can only imagine the layers of oppression my sisters of color have experienced. I cannot even begin to understand what they have endured by studying racist Church practices and policies. I don’t have all the answers, but how can I show my daughter limitless potential for all races and genders when the far majority of Church leadership is white men? Shouldn’t we embrace and celebrate our diversity even into the highest governances of Mormonism so we can better ourselves from within our organization? I’d love for my daughter to grow up hearing more from these strong, capable women and men.
Might I suggest a continued and rigorous effort to include various races and ethnicities into all forms of Church leadership? Integration is beautiful and essential to our development, after all, are we not a global church?
10. Preservation of the Family
The central focus of the family is one of the aspects of Mormonism that I love most. However, there is very little diversity in the portrayal of families. Families come in all shapes, sizes, races, and orientations. How can I teach her about unconditional love and compassion when many of our loved ones are still rejected on account of their sexual orientation and diverse family relationships? Isn’t the rejection of loving, committed homosexual relationships just another form of gender discrimination? Shouldn’t we embrace all loving and committed families? I would love for my daughter to be accepted by her religion despite her family’s dynamics. Shouldn’t unconditional love be at the center of the family?
Might I suggest a continued effort in the acceptance of our LGBT+ brothers and sisters? Even in my short lifetime I have seen progress within the Church, but there is still more that should be done. We have a wonderful opportunity to exemplify an all consuming love for humanity just as Jesus Christ did. I support and accept all my brothers and sisters in their loving commitments to the family unit; after all, shouldn’t we put all families first?
11. Women and the Priesthood
The Brethren have counseled members to be self-reliant, yet refuse to give women the tools to do it. Women’s access to the Priesthood is limited in ways that are not for men. Women cannot exercise the Priesthood authority like men based completely on gender. How am I supposed to teach my sons to righteously desire to hold the Priesthood and in the same breath tell my daughter her desire for the Priesthood is apostasy? Shouldn’t she want to serve equally with her brothers and father? Shouldn’t she want to baptize, bless, and serve with Priesthood authority? Isn’t her love and devotion for her religion equitable to her brothers? Why is her desire to serve God and religion, like her brothers, so unrighteous? Why make unnecessary enemies when we share a common goal to bring more souls unto the body of Christ?
Might I suggest a continued earnest endeavor on prayerfully evaluating the value and benefits of granting the Priesthood authority to women? There are so many women ready and willing to bless people in the name of God. Why resist giving women the Priesthood when we could be working together and rejoicing in our love and devotion to building up the Kingdom of God on Earth. Wouldn’t that be a beautiful sight to behold?
If the brethren are listening, I genuinely want to raise my daughter in the Church and preserve the traditions of her ancestry, but these are the questions that keep me up at night.