Listen, Learn, & Love

Richard Ostler—no relation, though I consider him a friend—recently published Listen, Learn, & Love: Embracing LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. As a YSA bishop, Ostler learned the principles of effective ministry and has applied those principles to raise up the voices of LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. The book features the literal words of LGBTQ people in an effort to support LGBTQ Latter-day Saints in our unique experiences.

I was honored to participate in this work with Richard Ostler. In multiple interviews with Ostler, I not only contributed to his project but also learned and gained valuable insights that I hadn't considered. I was reacquainted with truths I had forgotten and was able to sharpen beliefs I trusted to be true.

The book is structured by sharing commonly held misconceptions concerning LGBTQ Latter-day Saints and having LGBTQ people respond to them. After each false statement, several LGBTQ answers are shared offering unique insights and perspective into the lived experiences of those impacted by them. Below is a transcript of commonly held false statements and my response to them.

False Statement: They are LGBTQ because they were sexually abused as children.

"I feel like the premise of the statement [about previous sexual abuse] assumes we need to find a cause for homosexuality so it can be cured. I don't care what caused me to be attracted to women. I am attracted to women, and it's not bad.

Look at it this way—we don't put this much effort into understanding why you like grapefruits and why I like oranges. We don't care because it's not a problem. We can simply have a different fruit preference without it being something that needs to be cured.

What if we treated our gender preferences as benign as our fruit preferences? You probably wouldn't ask me about when I first realized I liked oranges or when I was first exposed to oranges, or if I watch "orange pornography," or if I was made to taste oranges against my will at some young age. No. You wouldn't care what caused my like for oranges because it doesn't need to be cured.

For me, I don't care what caused my attraction toward women because it doesn't need to be cured. It's a preference, not a disease." (pp. 48-49)

False Statement: Heavenly Father did not intend for anyone to be LGBTQ. Their sexual orientation is a mistake.

My response, "I believe I was created queer for a reason. It is my responsibility as a queer person to help teach others what it means to love, to really love one another, when loving each other isn't easy. My creation wasn't a product of things going awry. It was deliberate. We can't learn to love one another as God does without loving each other through our differences. My queerness is a gift, not a mistake." (pg. 61)

False Statement: People are LGBTQ because of the Fall of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, or the "natural man."

My response, "In the Garden of Eden, God commanded, 'Of the Tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee; but remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die' (Moses 3:16-17). Because Adam and Eve transgressed and partook of the fruit, they were cast out from the presence of the Lord (Doctrine and Covenants 29:40-41). In other words, they experienced spiritual death. They also became mortal—subject to physical death. This spiritual and physical death is called 'the Fall.'

As descendants of Adam and Eve, we inherit a fallen condition during mortality (Alma 42:5-9, 14). We are separated from the presence of God and subject to physical death. We are also placed in a state of opposition, in which we are tested by the difficulties of life and the temptations of the adversary (2 Nephi 2:11-14; Doctrine and Covenants 29:39; Moses 6:48-49).

In this fallen condition, we have a conflict within us. We are spirit children of God, with the potential to be 'partakers of the divine nature' (2 Peter 1:4). However, 'we are unworthy before [God]; because of the fall our natures have become evil continually' (Ether 3:2). We need to strive continually to overcome unrighteous passions and desires.

The solution to the Fall is not to criticize queer genders and/or sexuality. The solution to the Fall is to be partakers of our divine nature and overcome our fallen state. Again, our fallen state is spiritual and physical death. To overcome physical death, we must be resurrected. To overcome spiritual death, we must dwell in God's presence. To do that we must dwell in love. The scriptures say, if we dwell in love, we dwell in God (John 4:16), and if we do not know love we do not know God (John 4:7-8). Quite literally, we overcome our fallen state when love wins." (pp. 63-64)

False Statement: After we are resurrected, everyone will be cishet.

"Queer folks don't need to be fixed to be worthy of celestial glory. Queer folks need to be embraced as beautiful children of God with the seeds of divinity in us, and our queerness is part of our godly image." (pg. 101)

False Statement: LGBTQ people should not come out.

My response, "During pride month, I hear comments from straight folks expressing their frustration. Most commonly I hear, 'Can't they just keep that stuff private?'

We listen to heteronormative music where a boy and girl fall in love, get married, and have kids. Ads display heteronormative relationships where a boy proposes to a girl. Movies depict heterosexual love, intimacy, affection, and praise. Heterosexual couples hold hands, cuddle, and kiss in public. Even children's shows depict a princess falling in love with a prince or boys and girls getting crushes on each other at school. We take our children to weddings filled with heterosexual displays of affection.

There's a misconception that heterosexuality is a private affair while queerness is a publicized affair. Historically and presently, the opposite is true." (pg. 139)

False Statement: You are struggling with being LGBTQ.

My response, "To be completely honest being queer isn't nearly as much of a struggle as dealing with the insecurities, ignorance, and misconceptions folks have about me being queer. But there never seems to be a polite way of saying, 'Look, the problem isn't me. It's your inability to greet me as I am instead of how you want me to be.'

When people suggest my queerness is a struggle or a 'challenge of the flesh,' it hurts because they are attempting to turn one of the most beautiful and godly aspects of my being, the way I love, into something perverse, devious, pitiful, or ugly. The struggle is getting people to understand I like being queer and there is nothing wrong with it." (pg. 157)

For more insights into the lived experiences of LGBTQ Latter-day Saints, I highly recommend Richard Ostler's book Listen, Learn, & Love. Thank you, Richard, for your continued example of Christlike love.

*Originally published in Listen, Learn, & Love on September 21, 2020.